Releasing the Emotional Storm

      How often do we bottle all our emotions up inside, push them down deep and hide them from everyone, even ourselves.

      It’s so much easier to hide from the tough emotions, to pretend they don’t exist, to show the world our outer shell that hides the inner turmoil. But what happens when we need to release the pressure, to allow some of those emotions out, to allow ourselves to feel. Often this results in emotional overload, outbursts, self incrimination. We need to find a way to ease the pressure in other, more constructive ways, but how?? This has been a burning question for me over the years and it wasn’t until recently I realised I had my answer all the time, I just hadn’t recognised it.

      Towards the end of last year I went on a retreat, my aim was to find me again, to reconnect with my goddess within and allow her freedom to be real. It was on this retreat I came to two big conclusions. The first being that my happy calming place is water, be it a lake, a river, a dam, but mainly the ocean. The cleanse I feel with me feet in the water and sand is incredible. I feel renewed and revived, ow I live close to the ocean once more I actually can see how much I needed it to ground and centre me.

      So now at least a couple of times a week you can find me walking along the waters edge, alone or with my dog, letting the stresses of my life flow out to sea, using the ebb and flow of the tide to refresh my soul. I’ve also started Stand Up Paddle Boarding to continue my joy of the sea.

      The second revelation I had was when we were asked to do something creative to express emotions, mainly turned to art, which I actually suck at lol, so as I was thinking on what to do, to my total surprise words started to flow again, for the first time in years. I wasn’t struggling to put words on paper, they were just pouring out of me. I rediscovered my love for poetry to express to turmoil within, the ability to journal and put my thoughts onto paper has long been my go to when I struggle, I just didn’t consciously acknowledge it. Being at that retreat allowed me to look within and let these truths resurface.

      So my advice to all, find your place, the one place you feel safe, secure, alive, restored and grounded, it’s amazing how simple that place can be, but also how important it is, a place to escape the noise, both external and internal, to give yourself a place to process and deal, to bring the smile back to your face.

      Also find a way to release those thoughts, emotions, dialogues that clutter your mind, it can be through words like me or art, drawing, painting, sculpting. Maybe exercise is your thing, baking, meditation, whatever works for you, embrace it, use it, that doing something just for you, could be the very thing you need in the moment.

      Self care and self love are so very important, you can’t help everyone else in your life if you can’t help yourself, you are important, you are worthy and I see you!!!

A decade has passed.....nearly lol

      Wow, I can’t really believe it, 10 years ago I had no idea the path my life would take, the physical and emotional tolls I would face, the loss and treasure found. In the last year I’ve put myself on a path of rediscovery, to find me again, after so much torment, one of my favourite releases has started flowing again, I’ve found my words, I’m releasing instead of internalizing, so here is my first release of many, as I lighten the burden from my soul.

      The Creation of My Phoenix!

Blackness against the stark white,
Intruding, poisoning, taking over,
Blackness the colour of betrayal, my body betraying me,
Cells fighting cells, will power fighting despair,
Poison flowing through my veins, hands ice cold,
Friends who can’t cope, distance spreading further apart,
Family scared, fear in the eyes,
Don’t fall apart, don’t show the pain, strength use it, show it,
Never backing down, giving in not an option,
I will win, survival at all costs,
Rise from the ashes, like the Phoenix!!

Let it all hang out!!!

     Well it’s been a while since I last posted. I had felt more in control and able to deal with stuff, plus life got really busy. But now I’m needing to let some stuff out, because frankly if I hold it in much longer I’ll explode.
     Life was going pretty well last year, I had to make some hard decisions, I went back to work for the sake of my family, I still kept the business going, but I also needed to bring in additional income. So after making that difficult decision I found a job I enjoyed with great workmates and things were looking up. I was happy in my personal life, had a great bunch of friends, family was going well and I was earning a good wage and feeling useful.
     Then it all changed, we found out we would be moving, the joys of being a navy wife, hubby left early, so we continued without him. Then my world collapsed around me. My children fell apart and it led to the darkest time my family has ever experienced. It’s still a very difficult subject to talk about so I’ll cover that another time.
     But while my world was falling apart I retreated, I circled the wagons to protect my family and focused on getting my kids the help they needed while staying strong for everyone, but inside I was a mess, I was falling apart, I felt so alone, I couldn’t talk about it and in my time of need, I had no one. Out of nowhere a supposed good friend just turned on me, I still have no idea why, she just stopped talking to me, I pretended it didn’t hurt, but it did and it still does.
     I know I’m not over it because now it’s affecting my health, holding in my pain, disappointment and bitterness has given me a migraine of epic proportions, plus an ulcer in my mouth, now if you believe in such things and I do sometimes, a mouth ulcer comes from holding in what you really want to say. So I’m letting it all out here.
     I’m hurting, I’m scared, I’m lonely and I’m so tired of being the strong one, I’m over hiding my pain behind a smile, putting on a brave face for the world to see. Fuck you all that have ignored my pain, to those who turned away, keep turning and don’t come back, don’t ever expect me to be there for you, because I’m done, I finally see right through your bullshit and I don’t need it or you in my life. The day you realize what you have thrown away will be too late, because I’m gone and I’m not coming back. Have a nice life, because I know I will without you in it.
     I’m not saying I now magically feel fine again, cause that’s ridiculous, but by acknowledging my pain finally, I feel lighter and able to move forward, looking back is not doing me any favors, so my focus is changing, day by day!!!!

Let go of the bullshit......

        Is it the things we dislike most about ourselves that annoy us about other people? Do we project our moods onto to others to reflect back at us? Can we control not only our moods and responses, but those of the ones closest to us? 

      I was told the other day, that you can't find something annoying about someone else unless it's something you dislike about yourself, because unless you have thought and felt it before you wouldn't be able to recognize it. How do you know how something feels or affects you if it's hasn't affected you in the past.

      We manage to project our own feelings about situations onto others, then we get upset and annoyed when they don't react how we want them to. But are we just setting them up to fail, because we haven't given them the tools to react in the way that pleases us?

      Is it possible we do this because we ourselves don't know what pleases us? If you are not happy with yourself how can anyone else be? If you don't like or love yourself how can anyone else??

      We spend our lives searching for happiness and love, but until we are happy within ourselves and love the person we are, instead of the person we think we have to be, we can expect others to love us. The person you are is the person you create, you are the only person able to change that, you just need to want that.  It's only when you can be happy just being you, that others will to, they will reflect back the happiness and love that you project.

      Never forget you are unique, you are one of a kind, no one else will vet be you, but they can love you and enjoy being with you, once you do the same. It's time to let go of the bullshit expectations and just enjoy living, being, loving, because in the end nothing else matters!!!

Seven year emotional itch!!

      Seven years have passed, some days it feels like time has dragged, others I look back and think 7 years, where the hell did they go. Every year the anniversary of my diagnosis feels different, the way I react to it is different.

      This year I needed to reflect, to pause, look back and assess where I'd been and where I was going. I was happy to be alone this year, I didn't feel the need to surround myself with others for support. Don't get me wrong, it wasn't an easy day, the emotions it stirs are not pretty, they are raw and painful. I'm fairly sure that won't change, but the way I react and handle it, that's what's changing.

      The personal development work I've been doing has helped me in lots of ways, it's helped me to see, that I can feel and acknowledge  these emotions, without dwelling on them or using them as an excuse to spiral down again. Looking back can be an great way to assess your progress, but if we constantly look back, we miss what's happening right in front of us.

     So from now on I'm focusing on what's ahead of me, the past is done and gone, it can't be changed, so no point dwelling on regrets. Keep your eyes on the future and all the adventures yet to be lived!!!      

Toxic friends......why do we keep them??

       We all have that one friend, the one who drives us insane to the point of wanting to avoid them, the one who we are scared to be brutally honest with as it will give them another chance to play the victim. What is the best way to deal, is total avoidance easier or do we just keep our mouths closed and leave them to wallow. It often seems no matter what path we choose we are in the wrong, many can't handle a friend who is brutally honest, they prefer a friend who blows wind up their arse, they need a label for everyone around them as an excuse for laziness, poor behavior  or just plain ignorance. 

      Why do we choose to remain friends with these toxic people, are we programmed to find others to stop us feeling lonely or do we like to feel superior to these poor saps, we can denigrate their lives while avoiding the truth of our own lives. Judging people is so easy to do, we are all guilty of it, even those martyrs who claim they don't judge others.

      
      If these people are so toxic to us, what is the point in keeping them close to us? Have we as a society become so scared of offending people, that we keep people in our lives that make it harder, that make us feel like shit when in their company. We need to ask ourselves what is more important, the amount of friends we have or the quality of the people we are friends with.

      So what's the best way to deal with these so called friends, because honestly can they be called friends when they are so toxic? Honesty can help, many people don't like hearing the truth when they want to be the victim, so if you are always honest they may decide to look elsewhere for sympathy. I find quiet indifference often works, appearing to listen but never committing to helping. Avoiding them completely can be a great relief, if that is possible within your social circle.

       But what it really all boils down to, is asking yourself how much value you place on your time? Because all the time you waste on listening, advising or trying to help will be for nothing in the long run, because fixing a problem means not getting anymore attention and attention is the one thing a toxic person craves. So it's time for big girl panties and a dose of harden the fuck up, if that doesn't work, time to walk away, I believe it's much better to have a few good friends who value you as much as you value them, than to have a bunch of toxic pains in your arses who suck the life right out of you.

      Man up, piss them off and get on with enjoying life the way it should be enjoyed, with good friends, great food and amazing booze!!!!

Adulting........it's too hard!!

      Why is being an adult so hard somedays? We all have days when we are sick of being the responsible one, sick of making all the decisions. Why can't we have a blanket fort day, just like a sick day, but instead a day to hide away from the world and feel free again.

        If kids are allowed a day to just chill without structure, why aren't we?? Wouldn't you just live a day to yourself? To do as you please for a change, not to look after everyone and their dog, to jot have to remember everyone else's shit, to just be you. God how heavenly would that be.

       Remember all the times your mother told you not to wish your childhood away, oh god do I get that now. Just one day, that's all I need, one day to do what I want, to not worry about what I should be doing.

       What would your one day include??   Mine would be started with a sleep in, the a long walk along a gorgeous beach, sand between my toes, sea breeze in my hair, the gentle lap of waves. Then I'd move onto a long boozy lunch with all the foods I shouldn't be eating, hopefully enjoyed with some close friends. Then to finish the day a good book, my favorite snacks and bourbon. That is my idea of heaven.

      Now I just need to get rid of the kids and husband so I can lol, one day I will, it's a promise I'm making to myself!!!